Why you do not achieve your New Year resolutions
For years, I set it as my new year resolution. I wrote versions of it on a piece of paper and burned it at full moon ceremonies in Bali. I wrote it down as a gift to myself and put it under a sacred statue at the annual gathering of dear friends. I set it as an intention at the beginning of many, many yoga classes and meditation sessions. And yet, it did not come to be. Until mid-way through 2020.
What was it? And what was getting in the way of me achieving it all these years? Read on to learn more about what may be getting in the way of you yourself achieving your new year resolutions and goals.
To stop judging.
I wrote it as “Let go of judging myself and others” I flipped it and wrote the positive version of it as “Accept myself and others for who we are”
After thousands of hours of yoga, meditation, self-reflection, and therapy, I was fully aware of the subconscious voices in my head that did not serve me, nor support healthy relationships. And yet, I still heard them (even if I did not believe them). I wanted to quiet them, so that I simply stopped initiating the judgment of myself and others.
And yet, I was still aware of me judging myself and me judging others. It was so frustrating!
Then, in the spring of 2020, when my coach friend and colleague Lucy invited me to take a mental fitness course with her and two other colleagues, I signed up. Little did I know that I would learn the root of my suffering but also the means to weaken and quiet those voices in my head that are constantly critiquing and not satisfied.
Maybe you hear similarly brutal and critical voices in your head too? They are the origin of so much unnecessary personal pain and suffering. And, their non-stop badgering can stop you in your tracks and prevent you from even starting a new project or the steps needed to achieve a new goal or resolution.
Examples of the voice Judging SELF:
“You can’t write! No one’s going to read that, so just give up now. Why bother?”
“Look at all those wrinkles! How old are you? Shouldn’t you look younger at your age? Oh, just go back to bed.”
“You’re not qualified, so why even apply? You’re just wasting your time and setting yourself up for failure.”
“I am such a fraud. How can I even pretend to know what I’m talking about? How did I even get accepted to that school in the first place?”
“Why did you say that? You are so stupid! Just keep your mouth shut next time!”
Painful to read these words, don’t you agree? Would you ever say these things to a dear friend? No! So why do we tolerate berating ourselves in these ways?
Examples of the voice Judging OTHERS:
“Why is she wearing that? That color makes her look ill. She should wear blue or green instead.”
“Who is he to be leading this workshop? I’m more qualified than him. He probably has a relative who runs this place.”
“How on earth can she believe that?!?! I thought she was more educated. I should be careful not to spent too much time around her.”
“He probably thinks I am not worth his time, since he has run a business for so much longer than I have. He will never read this.”
Brutal! Can you believe I would ever judge others in this way? Can I believe you would ever judge others in this way? And yet it’s incredibly common!
Examples of the voice Judging CIRCUMSTANCES:
“If I had stayed in corporate, I would have so much more money in my retirement account by now. Did I make the right choice?”
“When I finally find a house near the park, everything will be perfect.”“If they had not messed that up and missed the deadline, everything would have gone right and we would have closed that deal.”
“Once I’m making $10,000 more each month, everything will be easier.”
Constant insistence that the current circumstance (no matter what it is) is bad – or not good enough – is the m.o. of the internal judge. Not allowing that “how things are now” can ever be acceptable puts us in a constant state of dissatisfaction and irritation. It’s exhausting!
Not being satisfied with the current circumstances is a norm for my clients.
And thus, not being happy goes along with the judgements and the dissatisfaction.
If you’re not sure what your inner critic voice is saying to you, that might be even more dangerous. Subconsciously, your inner Judge is constantly criticizing you, others, and your circumstances. Those judgments are not always negative, but they are constantly guiding you and influencing the choices you make, the things you avoid, who you spend time with, and how you encourage or defeat yourself.
Step one for weakening the negative effects of your internal judge is building awareness of this voice.
Write down what it says, without editing. Notice the situations where it is loudest or occurs most frequently in your head. See the raw, cutting words of your judge on paper (or on your Notes app). Cross out or delete the fiction. Circle or only keep the words that are truth — the facts. And if you’re not sure what the facts are, ask a neutral observer for their input. This is an exercise I’ve done with coaching clients who struggle to discern what is truth.
The biggest challenge for me – and likely for you – is that the impetus to judge is automatic, with the brain and body following existing neural pathways. I was fully aware of how to shift brain activity, having guided myself and clients to do so over many, many years. But, I used it for the purpose of present-mind reflection and awareness to generate insights and data that can inform decisions and future actions. I did not know how to do it in the moment – or how to pre-empt habitual, negative thought patterns.
When we are influenced by our inner judge, we feel a lot of guilt and shame. “I should have done this, or achieved that.” “I’m not worthy, I’m not good enough, I’m so dumb, I’m such an idiot.” Maybe you experience other emotionslike disappointment and sadness and anger and regret and anxiety. Maybe you’re not sure what the specific emotion or feeling is, but you just know you feel bad. Or, you don’t feel good. And that’s enough to begin to catch your judge in action.
Step two for stopping the internal judge in its tracks is catching yourself experience a negative feeling that precedes the judgmental thoughts.
When this happens, all you need to do is notice it and say to yourself “caught you in the act” or “got you” or “stop”. Continuing to practice this regularly, daily, numerous times a day will begin to disrupt the previous way neurons fired along established neural pathways in your brain and body.
Cumulatively, you have been beaten down by hundreds or thousands of negative judging thoughts each day over months and years and decades of your life. You might still be standing tall, but inside you can feel like a tiny ball of shame or unworthiness. It painfully degrades your confidence and self-worth.
I’ve coached highly successful clients for so many years now that I’m not at all surprised when they say they don’t feel confident, or they don’t feel good about themselves. No amount of pay raises, new job titles, prestigious schools or companies, can satisfy the giant black hole created by the judgments you hear inside you own head. Someone else, looking in at your life, might be impressed with your achievements and expect you to be a 100% happy, satisfied, successful human being. But, they don’t know your inner turmoil. Unless…
When you’re constantly criticizing yourself, whether it’s conscious or not, that critical mode of being becomes your playbook – and thus you may also be regularly criticizing others. It’s only when you begin to discern fact from fiction and quiet the negative voices in your head, that you can begin to see the good in others and stop judging them. It begins with yourself.
One way to know how much someone else is being damaged inside by their own brutal judge, is the degree to which they are criticizing others. Their outward behavior can be a mirror for their internal experience. The pain their experiencing inside then gets inflicted (intentionally or not) upon others.
Step three for weakening the negative effects of your internal judge is to practice replacing the judgments with positive, productive thoughts and actions.
One of the biggest gifts from my decision to take the mental fitness course was learning the following: any situation or circumstance, no matter how challenging I perceive it to be, can be turned into a gift and opportunity.
An example for how to disrupt judging yourself:
I catch myself starting to think “You can’t write! No one’s going to read that…”
I pause, take a breath, and ask myself “Okay, seriously. What are the facts here?”
This helps me to disrupt the past negative thought pattern and give some space to consider an alternate path forward.
In that space, if I notice other negative thoughts emerge, I go right to this question:
“How can I turn this situation into a gift and opportunity?”
Many new ideas emerge, such as:
“Well, the more I write, the better I get. So I can use this as an opportunity to improve my writing skills.”
Or…
“I really admire the writing skills of Jay and Chris. Let me ask one of them to review my second draft and provide me with some constructive feedback that I can learn from.”
Another example, this one for how to disrupt judging another person:
I catch myself starting to think “Who is he to be leading this workshop…”
I pause, take a breath, and ask myself “Okay, seriously. What are the facts here?”
This helps me to disrupt the past negative thought pattern and give some space to consider an alternate path forward.
In that space, if I notice other negative thoughts emerge, I go right to this question:
“How can I turn this situation into a gift and opportunity?”
Many new ideas emerge, such as:
“I’m curious what I will learn from him.”
“How might what I learn from his style of presenting help me to improve as a presenter?”
A final example for how to disrupt judging circumstances:
I catch myself starting to think “If I had stayed in corporate…”
I pause, take a breath, and ask myself “Okay, seriously. What are the facts here?”
This helps me to disrupt the past negative thought pattern, remember all the positive reasons why I left my corporate consulting job, and gives some space to consider an alternate path forward.
In that space, if I notice other negative thoughts emerge, I go right to this question and reflect:“What are the gifts and opportunities that have come from my decision to leave corporate?”
Many new ideas emerge, such as:
“Healing my body enough to stop taking prescription medication!”
“Becoming healthy enough to conceive children!”
“Finding my true calling for work in the world!”
“Realizing how much I was relying on bonuses and new roles to boost my self-worth.”
And on and on…
Back to our shared desire to successfully achieve goals and experience the benefits of New Year resolutions.
One of the biggest and most detrimental judgements my inner voice screams at me is: “It hasn’t worked in the past, so why should it now?”
Those are the words I have heard over and over again when I set a new goal in my business.
But what has changed is now I catch them and stop them in their tracks.
I look instead to my track record of success and impact. I focus on my strengths and resources and best practices.
I recognize where I can benefit from peer support or external expertise or other resources to support my success.
And one by one, I take the steps needed to be successful.
When something does not work, I no longer judge myself for “you should have known that wouldn’t work!”
Instead, I step back and reflect: “What can I learn from what did not work?”
The gifts that you will experience from quieting the voice of your inner judge and dropping the judgements:
- Lowering your stress level
- Increasing your happiness
- Improving the quality of interactions in your most important relationships
- Successfully taking the first step – and then subsequent steps – in the direction of your goal or New Year resolution!
- Building confidence and momentum to create the changes you want in your life
To be successful this time in achieving your New Year’s Resolution, do this critical foundational work of weakening your inner judge. And if you get stuck along the way, as you work through these steps, please know you don’t have to go it alone. The deep neural patterns that support your inner judge take consistent, daily effort to disrupt and re-pattern. The steps I’ve laid out here are just the beginning. I invite you to learn more about partnering with me as your coach to weaken your inner critic and be more successful and happy in your life. Start here.
