Did this past year happen TO you or FOR you? | Stop Victim mindset in its tracks

by Erin Owen | Mar 23, 2021 | Ezine

What has this past year taken away from you — or gifted you? How you answer that question will tell me whether you have the Victim saboteur controlling your mind, or if you’ve found Sage moments to appreciate the unexpected gifts and opportunities that have come from having your prior reality unplugged and disrupted by the unfolding of life, including circumstances stemming from the pandemic.

Activating the Sage brain shifts us to seeing that even when a death occurs or we experience a health crisis, economic hardship, or a painful breakup — even then — we can turn those circumstances into a gift and opportunity.

For years I’ve taught clients about the Dreaded Drama Triangle and the TED (The Empowerment Dynamic)* framework, wherein the Victim looks at the world with this feeling that everything and everyone are doing their best to get in the way, make life difficult and prevent plans and dreams from coming true. Life is happening TO them, and they feel powerless to do anything about it. I learned these powerful frameworks initially from my friend and teacher Marilena Minucci when I completed my Quantum Coaching certification with her. Later on, Marilena and I both went to Dallas, Texas to take an intensive training program with the creator and teachers of these frameworks: David Emerald Womeldorff and Donna Zajonc. While I have not actively maintained my status as a practitioner of their approach, I do often think of and share TED model as well as their 3 Vital Questions with clients.

STEP ONE FOR YOUR REFLECTION

I invite you to pause now, choose one unexpected change or challenging event from this past year, and walk through them in your mind using these questions. Please note that I’ve adapted the wording of these questions to fit this reflection exercise. To learn more about the original questions and underlying approach, read this.

• Where was your focus during an unexpected development or challenging event? In other words, did you experience negative emotions as you were triggered by what you perceived to be a problem?  Or, were you feeling inspired to create positive or important outcomes that matter to you?
• How were you relating to yourself, to others, and to your experience during your chosen unexpected development or challenging event? Was the way you were relating producing or perpetuating more negativity and drama? Or, were you relating in such a way that you inspired and empowered yourself and others to be more resourceful, resilient, and innovative?
• What action (or inaction) resulted from your response to this unexpected development or challenging event? Did you shut down? Were your reactions knee-jerk and negative? Or, were you taking creative and generative action that supported your ultimate goal, dream, or desired outcome?

If you’ve been reading my email newsletters and blog posts this past year, you know that I’ve had many milestone moments on my own journey where I shifted from Victim mindset to Creator mindset. Using the 3 Vital Questions approach in the moment helps me to stay oriented toward my ultimate goal and let go of details and aspects of the process that ultimately do not matter.

In other words, using the vocabulary and orientation of Shirzad Chamine’s Positive Intelligence mental fitness model, I’ve learned how to shift from Saboteur brain to Sage brain. The reality is that I have a very low Victim score on my Saboteur assessment, which rings true for me: I rarely if ever forget to consider “hmmmm, what might I ultimately learn from this situation?”

How This Works in Everyday Situations

When I attempt to book a house on AirBnB and the app crashes or suddenly the days I want to book stop being available, I pause and consider: “hmmm, I wonder what other amazing place we’ll end up staying, or if the dates of our trip now need to change to accommodate a new experience?” Ultimately, what transpires reveals or results in a better outcome. Over time I have learned to let go of the frustration and “why is this happening to me” Victim mentality.

When a seemingly perfect prospective client chooses to work with another coach, I may experience a brief flash of disappointment, but I know that person’s whole life path is in some way tied to working with that other coach. It’s not about me. In addition, the space created in my own schedule often allows in a different client or opportunity that I otherwise would have been hard pressed to fit in.

When my laptop crashes and I lose the draft of an email it took me 45 minutes to write, yes, sure, of course, I get frustrated. But then I take a deep breath, walk away from my computer to take the dog for a walk, get a cup of tea, or do some meditation. When I come back, if my laptop is working again, I get curious: “I wonder why that email was not meant to be sent? What new realization or development will come to be, that helps me understand why it was not the right time or necessary at all?”

STEP TWO FOR YOUR REFLECTION

Pause now and refer back to those situations you examined above in Step One. Write down (or make a mental note about) how they ultimately turned into gifts. Or, instead, you can write down 3 to 5 everyday road blocks or frustrations or losses that ultimately turned out for the better — these could include what initially appeared to be computer/smart phone technology failures or meeting/event cancellations or power outages or even minor illnesses.

Stop Victim in Its Tracks

The Victim saboteur is often easier to spot in others than in yourself, no matter its numeric value (or strength) in your own Saboteur assessment result. To improve your ability to catch Victim in action and stop it in its tracks, I invite you to read on to learn the typical lies it tells you, its tell-tale characteristics and how you avoid its painful influence by shifting to Sage.

Negative Characteristics of the Victim Saboteur:*

Whether you’re thinking about another person’s Victim, or you’re becoming more aware of your own, keep in mind that someone with a strong Victim saboteur may embody one or two of these characteristics on a regular basis. You don’t need to see all of these in your saboteur behaviors to have a strong Victim.

• If criticized or misunderstood, you tend to withdraw, pout, and sulk.
• You are fairly dramatic and temperamental.
• When things get tough, you want to crumble and give up.
• You have repressed rage that results in depression, apathy, and constant fatigue.
• Your attachment to having difficulties is subconscious.
• Having emotional problems, or being temperamental and sullen, is a common way you seek attention from others.

Any of the above sound familiar, within you, or within another person you know? As painful as it may seem, being able to see and name these traits are a critical step in beginning to weaken the negative influence Victim has on you. Let’s look next at the common thoughts the Victim voice tells you.

Common Words the Victim Voice Whispers (or Shouts) in Your Ear*

How can you catch Victim trying to control your mind and actions? Listen for words like these in your mind. And if you really want to get into character with Victim, cross your arms across your chest, make a pouty expression with your face, furrow your brow, and adopt a whining quality of voice as you read these words in your mind.

• “No one understands me!”
• “Poor me.”
• “Terrible things always happen to me.”
• “I’m different! No one’s as disadvantaged or flawed as I am.”
• “I wish someone would rescue me from this dreary mess.”

Victim also truly believes “I am what I feel.”

How Victim makes you feel*

• You tend to brood over negative feelings for a long time.
• You feel alone and lonely, even when you’re around people you are close to.
• Regularly, you experience feelings of melancholy and abandonment.
• Envy is a common emotion, and you frequently make negative comparisons between you and your circumstances and others.

As the Victim saboteur is “sometimes associated with a childhood experience of not feeling seen and accepted”, it often develops “a strategy to squeeze out some affection from those who would otherwise not be paying attention” to you.* With this type of developmental background and influence over you, it can be a particularly tough saboteur to weaken. It is quite slippery, so read on to become aware of what it will say to you to justify its sabotaging behaviors as a perceived necessity for your survival.

Victim’s Slippery and Damaging Justifications*

• “Maybe this way I get some of the love and attention that I deserve.”
• “Sadness is a noble and sophisticated thing that shows I have exceptional depth, insight, and sensitivity.”

The negative impact of Victim on your own well-being, as well as the damage it causes to your relationships can be profound. Let’s look into this further so you can more easily catch this saboteur in the act and stop it in its tracks.

Victim’s Impact on You and Others*

• It wastes vitality by focusing on internal processing and brooding.
• It backfires by pushing people away.
• Others feel frustrated, helpless, or guilty that they can’t put more than a temporary BandAid on the Victim’s pain.

It may be difficult to imagine that underlying all these troubling traits and painful impacts, the Victim has some incredible strengths. In the words of this model’s creator, Shirzad Chamine, “a saboteur is the price you pay for overusing your greatest strengths.”

Strengths of the Victim*

If you work with, or are part of an intimate family or friend relationship with a Victim, supporting them in activating their beautiful Sage brain will allow them to strategically utilize these important gifts:

• Sensitive to one’s own and others’ emotions: feels them deeply and clearly, including “difficult” emotions.
• Introspective: Capable of deep and courageous introspection and self-discovery.
• Individualistic: appreciates the uniqueness of oneself and others.
• Perceptive of nuanced inner workings of the mind and capable of using that to connect, teach, inspire, or heal.

This last strength really resonates with me, because the world needs MORE people who are present enough to do this important work of connecting, teaching, and healing. Don’t you agree?

STEP THREE FOR YOUR REFLECTION: IDENTIFY AN ARCHETYPAL VICTIM

I’ve found that if I can think of a real life person I know who regularly behaves in the way of a particular saboteur, it helps me to remember what I need to watch out for. For you, in this moment, I encourage you to pause and consider who you know who is often thinking like, acting like, and all around living life like the Victim saboteur. This could be a friend, colleague, family member… or a person in the public eye such as a musical artist, actor, Youtuber, news anchor, politician… even an historical figure who is no longer living.

Who do you know who truly embodies the Victim saboteur?

Preempt Your Victim Saboteur

Ultimately, once you know enough about how Victim shows up for you, you can preempt its negative influence. If you’ve already taken the Saboteur assessment and followed the steps above, skip to step 5 below to preempt the Victim saboteur.

Steps to Weaken Your VICTIM saboteur:

1. First, confirm how weak or strong your Victim truly is: take the 5-minute saboteur assessment here
2. Then, read the detailed online assessment report to build awareness of the full picture of saboteurs that are strongest for you so you can catch the negative thoughts and feelings to intercept the saboteur and stop it in its tracks
3. If you want a more personalized analysis of the report, I invite you to meet with me for a Saboteur Diagnosis session at no cost. SCHEDULE HERE
4. Practice PQ reps and the Sage perspective, critical foundational practices from the Positive Intelligence mental fitness model
5. Pre-empt your Victim in this way: Imagine a situation in the next 24 to 48 hours of your life in which your Victim might spring to life and try to manipulate you. Hear in your mind what the Victim voice might say to you, then pause. Take 3 deep breaths, each with a 5 second inhale and a 5 second exhale. Then, visualize in your mind a more positive and creative way to respond in that situation. In this way, you are pre-training your brain how to respond to those circumstances using the Sage brain. 

Let’s come back to the very first question I asked you in this post: What has this past year taken away from you — or gifted you? Now that you’ve learned more about the Victim saboteur and reflected on your own situation, what would you say? And by swapping out a critical word in the question “why is this happening TO me”, you can now ask yourself: “Why is this happening FOR me?”

It takes guided, dedicated work in the beginning

As I wrote about in my previous post, the research conducted by the Positive Intelligence team revealed that it takes 6 to 8 weeks of intensive practice at least 15 minutes a day to increase the gray matter in the Sage parts of the brain and decrease the gray matter in the Saboteur parts of the brain. The good news: this work to weaken your saboteurs literally changes your brain. Taking the assessment and building awareness of how the saboteurs show up in your own behavior are important foundational work. But if you want real change and the ripple effect of cascading benefits that come from this shift, you must take the foundational mental fitness course and continue this practice to build the strength of your mental muscles.

How will you benefit from weakening the Victim saboteur?

When you use your Sage brain and the strength side of your Victim, you love yourself unconditionally, you stop judging yourself and others, and you experience your highest level of performance, much greater creativity, and sustained happiness. Don’t believe me? Check out the research led by my teacher Shirzad Chamine and his team at Positive Intelligence that was done with more than a half a million people in 50 countries that is the foundation of this model.

To read about the overall Positive Intelligence model and foundational mental fitness training program, I’ve included an overview of the model on my website. To read past blog posts about the other 9 saboteurs in the model, click on one of the links below. Moving forward, I’ll teach you about the Sage perspective and each of the five Sage powers – what you must strengthen to experience sustained happiness and to realize your highest level of success and performance.

JUDGE

AVOIDER

CONTROLLER

HYPER-ACHIEVER

HYPER-RATIONAL

HYPER-VIGILANT

PLEASER

RESTLESS

STICKLER

*Source: Shirzad Chamine and his Positive Intelligence mental fitness model. Erin completed her certification with Shirzad and Positive Intelligence, Inc. in the spring of 2021 and is now a Certified Positive Intelligence mental fitness coach (CPQC).

How perfectionism kills creativity and connection

by Erin Owen | Mar 16, 2021 | Ezine

What I’m sharing with you this week was really difficult for me to write. Why? Because the Stickler saboteur had such a significant impact on my life. If you describe yourself (or others describe you) as a perfectionist, then you likely have a very strong Stickler saboteur like I do. In some ways, the underlying strengths of the Stickler serve us really well. But on overdrive, the perfectionistic tendencies of Stickler kill creativity and innovation, as well as intimacy and connection in our most important relationships. It can be brutal.

The first time I took the Saboteur assessment, at the beginning of Shirzad Chamine’s 6-week Positive Intelligence mental fitness course, Stickler ranked a “7” on a ten-point scale as my 3rd strongest saboteur. My Stickler really likes to team up with my Judge and other saboteurs to cause major havoc in my work life and relationships. In many ways, although it is not one of my top two saboteurs, it is an all-pervasive sabotaging influence in my life.

In short, you can think of the Stickler’s dark side as extreme perfectionism and “a need for order and organization taken too far”.* Stickler unintentionally puts perfection above compassion, empathy and connection in relationships. Stickler is also exhausting in its pursuit of perfection in all things, and thus is truly brutal in its impact on making yourself and others feel like you are constantly under a microscope, never able to do it well enough or be good enough.

Strengths of the Stickler

Before we look further into the dark side, let’s first activate the positive Sage brain and look at the truly beautiful strengths of the Stickler*. Take a few deep, easy breaths in this moment to release tension in your shoulders and jaw, soften your belly and your tongue, and shift your brain to Sage mode.

You may be pleased to know that Stickler:

• Holds high ideals and standards, and is principled
• Is able to bring organization and order into ambiguity and chaos
• Is capable of leading oneself and others to live and work based on clear guiding principles, such as to “be a good person” and to “do the right thing”
• Is self-disciplined
• And is direct and discerning, seeing and communicating things as they are.

As the leader of a team or a company, you would absolutely want to hire and retain people with these strengths! And if you have a strong Stickler saboteur, take a moment now to celebrate and appreciate these powerful qualities. Feels so good!

Are the strengths of the Stickler powerful enough to excuse the negative impact of its saboteur qualities? Before we answer this question, let’s look first at this saboteur’s negative characteristics, typical thoughts and lies, as well as the ultimate impact the Stickler has on you and others.

Negative Characteristics of the Stickler Saboteur:*

As you read through this list, keep in mind that someone with a strong Stickler saboteur may only consistently exhibit one or two of these characteristics. You don’t need to see all of these in your saboteur behaviors to have a strong Stickler.

• Overly punctual, methodical, and perfectionistic.
• Can be irritable, tense, opinionated, and sarcastic.
• Highly critical of oneself and others.
• Has a strong need for self-control and self-restraint.
• Works overtime to make up for what Sticker perceives to be others’ sloppiness and laziness.
• Is highly sensitive to criticism.

Which of the above have you seen in yourself or in a Stickler you know in your life?

Common Thoughts the Stickler Voice Tells You*

How can you catch this saboteur trying to mislead you and sweet talk you? Listen for words like these in your mind:

• “’Right is right’ and ‘wrong is wrong’, and there is no gray area in-between.”
• “Only I know the right way.”
• “If you can’t do it perfectly, why bother? Don’t do it at all.”
• “Others too often have lax standards.”
• “I need to be more organized and methodical than others so things get done the right way.”
• “I hate mistakes.”

Pause now and look back at the list of thoughts above. Now place them in the context of problem solving and innovation at work. Where is there space for creativity or different styles and approaches? Zero. There is zero breathing room for creativity when Stickler is at work. Keep this in mind if you have a team member who has a strong Stickler, as you’ll need to work to create a Sage-activating foundation in meetings and conversations to bring out the best side of all involved. If you yourself have a strong Stickler and you need to try a new approach, start first with a long session of PQ reps.

How does the Stickler justify your need to rely on it?*

Stickler is a tricky saboteur. It will do its best to justify its existence so you don’t try to weaken its influence. Be careful! Be cautious! Especially if it’s telling you things like:

• “This is a personal obligation. I must do this.”
• “It is up to me to fix whatever mess I encounter.”
• “Perfectionism is good, and it makes me feel better about myself.”
• “There is usually a clear right and clear wrong way to do things.”
• “I know how things should be done and therefore I must do the right thing.”

It’s exhausting to have your mind ruled by Stickler! It’s constantly frustrated and disappointed with you and others for “not living up to ideal standards”.* It is not open to trying something new. Stickler also makes you anxious all the time, worried that others will mess up the “perfect order and balance”* you feel you have painstakingly worked to create. When Stickler is driving your behavior, your tone of voice may even sound sarcastic or self-righteous. “Oh, so you think that is a good way to do it. Sure, try it and fail, because my way is the only way.”

Let’s look into this further so you can more easily catch this saboteur in the act and stop it in its tracks…

Other Impacts Stickler has on You and Others?*

The suppressed anger and frustration Stickler packs down inside of your body can cause physical and health problems at an extreme. Stickler’s impact on you and others includes:

• Causing rigidity and reduces flexibility in dealing with change
• Resisting or altogether avoiding adapting to or allowing for others’ different styles.
• Being a source of ongoing anxiety and frustration.
• Causing resentment, anxiety, self-doubt, and resignation in others, who feel continually criticized and resign themselves that no matter how hard they work they will never please the Stickler.

This last point is the most painful in how it creates separation in relationships. We all crave and need connection with others, and yet Stickler does a phenomenal job of sticking a wedge between you and others. How does it feel to be constantly criticized for not doing it the right way? Does it make you want to spend more time with your boss who does this or your older sibling who is constantly picking at you? No! You want to run far away. In fact, being around someone like this on a regular basis can strengthen other saboteurs in you, like the Avoider and the Pleaser.

Now you know. Now you have your eyes wide open to the strengths and negative qualities of Stickler. With all of this in mind, let’s revisit the question I posed above: Are the strengths of the Stickler powerful enough to excuse the negative impact of its saboteur qualities? Okay, not to tease you too much, but I think maybe we’re not quite ready to answer it yet. Let’s first bring the Stickler more to life by looking at a famous perfectionist who likely had a really really strong Stickler saboteur: Steve Jobs.

Steve Jobs, the late cofounder of Apple, drove the creation of aesthetically groundbreaking and beautiful technology products, that functioned pretty well too. Some would say Apple products even changed lives. But, his obsession over numerous details, that some believed to be fairly meaningless and irrelevant to the customer experience and to sales, wasted millions of dollars, according to Walter Isaacson’s biography. Note: Like all of us, Steve Jobs likely had many other strong saboteurs that partnered with Stickler in its sabotage, further exacerbating the damage.

Other successful people in the public eye who are self-described perfectionists likely have strong Sticklers. These include Serena Williams the trailblazing professional athlete, Martha Stewart the infamous business person, and Stanley Kubrick the American filmmaker. If you are familiar with one or more of these people, consider what you know about their positive (Sage) and negative (saboteur) sides.

I will now (finally!) answer the question: are the strengths of the Stickler powerful enough to excuse the negative impact of its saboteur qualities? And the answer is No, the strengths do not outweigh the negative when the negatives still exist. The critical piece is to weaken the negative impact of the Stickler saboteur by activating and living live more fully with the Sage part of the brain.

Use the 20/80 Rule

Once in Sage mode, you can selectively bring to bear the brilliance of the Stickler strengths by practicing the 20/80 rule: identify the 20% of things where the highest possible quality really does matter and let go of the other 80% where “good enough” is, well, good enough! There are many other strategies for managing and weakening the Stickler, but using the 20/80 rule will have a massive impact and is (in my humble opinion) the best place to start. If you need an example, consider this distinction…

An airline pilot must know the minimum speed at which she can fly the airplane before the plane drops out of the sky. This piece of knowledge is in the 20% of what it absolutely makes sense for how the pilot must perform at the highest level. However, if the pilot walks through the cabin and notices a stain on the fabric of seat 27B, it might bother her, but that is in the 80% of what is “good enough”: the seat still functions well enough to hold the passenger in place for safety and comfort.

Is it worth the effort to weaken the Stickler’s sabotaging influence?

Yes! I myself have worked diligently the past year on weakening my saboteurs and strengthening my self-command and other mental muscles. The result? Officially, according to the results from the second time I took the assessment, the strength of my Stickler has been reduced from a “7” to a “6.3”. That might not seem like a huge drop, but I can attest to the incredible positive benefits! I am less concerned and worried about “the details” in all aspects of my life, at work and at home. When I hear the Stickler’s voice in my head, pushing for too much too often, I do some PQ reps and the voice quiets. The shift to Sage relieves me of stress and strain, and prevents the damage that Stickler can cause in relationships. All this with less than a one point drop in strength. Imagine what my experience will be a year from now. And consider the impact this could have for you!

In my Sage view, relationships are significantly more important than attention to detail. I choose love over perfection. Don’t you?

While it’s true that Stickler gets in the way of creativity and innovation, the more painful impact of Stickler is on relationships, including (and perhaps most important) your relationship with yourself. How can you experience unconditional love for yourself when you are constantly criticizing your appearance and your performance? And if you don’t love yourself fully, how can you be receptive to being loved by others? When Stickler is active, it is really hard – if not impossible – to choose love over perfection. Ouch!

The other observation I have about the reduced strength of my saboteur scores is: it’s a journey! It takes consistent practice of cultivating the Sage brain to weaken the powerful saboteurs. I am committed to this journey, and I hope you are too.

What You Can Do to Weaken the Negative Aspects of the Stickler saboteur:

1. Learn how strong your own Stickler saboteur is by taking the 5-minute saboteur assessment here
2. Read the detailed online assessment report to build awareness of the full picture of saboteurs that are strongest for you so you can catch the negative thoughts and feelings to intercept the saboteur and stop it in its tracks
3. If you want a more personalized analysis of the report, I invite you to meet with me for a Saboteur Diagnosis session at no cost. SCHEDULE HERE
4. Practice PQ reps and the Sage perspective, critical foundational practices from the Positive Intelligence mental fitness model
5. Strengthen your Sage powers to more intentionally and thoughtfully use the strength side of your Stickler

It takes guided, dedicated work in the beginning

The research conducted by the Positive Intelligence team included revealing evidence via FMRI scans, that after 6 to 8 weeks of intensive practice at least 15 minutes a day, the gray matter in the Sage parts of the brain increases and the gray matter in the Saboteur parts of the brain decreases. While taking the assessment and building awareness of how the saboteurs show up in your own behavior are important foundational work, the real changes and benefits come from taking the six-week mental fitness course and continuing after that to build your mental muscles.

How will you benefit from weakening the Stickler saboteur?

When you use your Sage brain and the strength side of your Stickler, you then experience your highest level of performance, much greater creativity, and sustained happiness. Don’t believe me? Check out the research led by my teacher Shirzad Chamine and his team at Positive Intelligence that was done with more than a half a million people in 50 countries that is the foundation of this model.

Check out past blog posts here to learn more about the other saboteurs in this Positive Intelligence model of mental fitness.

*Source: Shirzad Chamine and his Positive Intelligence mental fitness model. Erin completed her certification with Shirzad and Positive Intelligence, Inc. in the spring of 2021 and is now a Certified Positive Intelligence mental fitness coach (CPQC).

Tame your Restless mind, Save a Life

by Erin Owen | Mar 9, 2021 | Ezine

A member of a recent PQ mental fitness program pod brought a pretty powerful story to our pod call after learning more about his Restless saboteur. He was learning to scuba dive with his wife in the open ocean when she started to panic. He really wanted her to do this final dive so they could both get their PADI scuba diving certification and he started to tell her to calm down, get over it, and get back on track with the dive. But, then he caught himself. He intercepted his Restless saboteur in action and took a different approach.

This week I introduce you to one of the more common saboteurs I see among my high energy, super productive clients. I’ve observed this saboteur to be more common among entrepreneurs and startup leaders, but is also present in most of us – especially during a pandemic! Restlessness can be a subconscious coping strategy to escape from dealing with fears, anxieties, and painful feelings.

The Restless saboteur’s modus operandi is constantly searching for greater excitement by moving on to the next new activity or constant busyness. You can think of this as not just multitasking, but constantly skimming the surface without diving in too deeply. For some this takes the form of “bright shiny object syndrome” on steroids.

The Restless is “rarely at peace or content with the current activity”.* Without reading further, imagine for a moment how the Restless energy might impact your quality of work (completing tasks, following through on commitments, focusing on reading something enough to discern critical details), relationships (being present, keeping promises), and even your health (following self-care routines, mindful chewing).

If you’re not yet familiar with the term “saboteur”, here’s a refresh. We all have strengths. Some of our strengths we are born with and some we grow and develop over time. When one or more of those strengths are used too often in situations that don’t truly call for them to be used — especially if we lean on those strengths too often in times of stress or anxiety – the negative side of those strengths come out. (To learn more about the overall model this comes from, read more here.)

Negative Characteristics of the Restless Saboteur:*

• You are easily distracted and can get too scattered.
• You prefer to stay busy, juggling many different tasks and plans.
• You seeks excitement and variety, rather than comfort or safety.
• You bounce from unpleasant feelings very quickly to escape the discomfort.
• You constantly seek new stimulation.

My own Restless saboteur was fairly strong when I first took the Saboteur Assessment, so I am quite familiar with the realities of being driven by negative emotions – like impatience and fear of missing out – that are the preferred playground of the Restless. Perhaps you also see in yourself some of these qualities?

Strengths of the Restless

Keep in mind that underlying all of these negative characterstics is the strength side of Restless, which I genuinely appreciate and treasure in others and in myself. When you are not in Saboteur survival mode, your Sage brain is activated, giving you access to empathy, creativity and the kind of resourcefulness that enables you to utilize your fabulous strengths. 

For those with a strong Restless saboteur, their underlying strengths include:*

• Having high energy and vitality
• Being open, curious and spontaneous
• Having contagious enthusiasm and appreciation of life
• Being capable of great productivity and creativity
• Energizing and engaging others in co-creation
• And also being capable of being engaged in a great breadth of activity and pursuits

Imagine leading a team with a bunch of super talented people who stay in their Sage brains and continually leverage all these strengths. Truly valuable for an energizing work culture, driving innovation, and getting work done!

To build even greater awareness of what to watch out for when Restless is in saboteur mode, let’s look further into the lies that the Restless tells you and some of the common thoughts it uses to control your mind.

Common Thoughts and Lies Your Restless Tells You

• “This isn’t fulfilling.”
• “This next thing has got to be more exciting.”
• “I don’t want to feel this way, thhese negative feelings suck.”
• “I must shift my attention to something exciting.”
• “Why can’t anyone keep up with me?”
• “Life is too short. It must be lived fully.”
• “I don’t want to miss out.”

If you’ve read this far and you were intrigued to learn what happened to my client and his wife, your own Restless saboteur may be screaming in your head right now saying “whhhhhhaaaaaaattttt happened to him!?!?!?!?!” Well, you can take a deep breath now and smile, because I’m coming back to his story now…

Tame Your Saboteur, Save a Life

Dan [named changed to protect his confidentiality] has incredibly high energy for climbing mountains, building his business, and living life to its fullest. His latest adventure with his wife was to learn how to scuba dive so they could do even more to explore the places they love to travel. In the past when his wife would express concern or caution about trying something new, he would give her positive encouragement to be brave and go for it. His support has helped her to expand her horizons and have numerous new experiences in her life. At times, though, his Restless saboteur would cause him to push her too hard without really listening to her concerns.

On the last day of their open water scuba diving course, the surface of the water was really choppy. The waves were swelling to several feet high, which was dynamically rocking the boat up and down as they prepared to enter the water and dive beneath the surface. As each minute passed, Dan’s wife was getting more and more scared about safely entering the water. She was concerned about being injured. When she expressed trepidation, he started to tell her to get over it and get into the water. His mind was focused on his own excitement about the dive, completing the certification, and what that would allow for their future adventures. His Restless did not want either of them to miss out on this opportunity and his Restless was feeling impatient with her discomfort and hesitation. Furthermore, his Restless did not want to waste time dealing with any unpleasant feelings or the difficult situation this was putting them in: it was their last day to attempt the final dive before they had to wrap up their trip and head home.

But he stopped. He noticed himself getting caught up in the energy of the Restless. He recognized this pattern in his automatic response and caught it. He took some breaths and realized he was allowing the circumstances of the situation to cause unnecessary urgency. She could complete the certification another time, on another trip, or in another location. It did not have to be right then and there.

How did he shift from Saboteur brain to activating the positive qualities of the Sage brain? As Dan breathed, he shifted his physiology. With reduced anxiousness, his heart rate slowed down and he was able to see and think more clearly, literally using different parts of his brain – his Sage brain. He created space to open up an alternative path forward. The idea that emerged was that it would be totally okay for him to complete the dive and for her to stay on the boat. She felt safer out of the water and was fine with waiting, and he felt better completing the dive. As a result, she felt heard and supported, rather than pushed and pressured into something that felt truly unsafe for her. By catching his Restless in the act, stopping it, and using his Sage brain, he honored and respected what was best for his wife, thus strengthening their relationship. He commented on our call that “I’ve never really done this before. It was a big shift.”

What does taming the Restless saboteur have to do with saving a life? In this situation, the risks were quite real. Take a dangerous set of environmental circumstances and add someone who was truly fearful and anxious, and panic can cause death. It’s true. Panic is one of the leading causes of death for scuba divers because panic leads to breathing too quickly, and that leads to using up your oxygen supply before you can surface. Panic can also lead to making rash choices that can lead to further endangerment. Dan was able to manage his own saboteur reaction so that he did not push his wife into a dangerous situation. If she herself had already been trained in the mental fitness model and how to do PQ reps, she would have been able to shift herself to her Sage brain and return to calm, clear headed focus. It may not have changed her decision to not dive that day, but she most likely would have had a less scary and less stressful experience.

Impact on Self and Others*

You now know how Dan handled this situation and how his shift to Sage brain positively transformed the situation for him and his wife. But, what might have been the impact if he hand not done so? Let’s take a look at the typical negative impact that Restless has on you and others:

• The Restless avoids a real and lasting focus on the issues and relationships that truly matter.
• Others have a difficult time keeping up with the frenzy and chaos brought by the Restless and its inability to build anything sustainable around it.
• Underneath the surface of fun and excitement of the Restless is an anxiety-based escape from being present to this moment’s full experience, which might include dealing with unpleasant things.

Did you read those words about the impact? This is serious. Restless makes you miss out on the best of what life has to offer, challenges included. If you’re seeing yourself in these details, take a breath and invite some compassion for yourself. We all have some Restless in us, it’s truly common and normal. And the good news is, now that you know about it, you can do something about it to prevent future negative impact on you and those you care about.

What You Can Do to Weaken the Negative Aspects of the Restless saboteur:

1. Learn how strong your own Restless saboteur is by taking the 5-minute saboteur assessment here.
2. Read the detailed online assessment report to build awareness of the full picture of saboteurs that are strongest for you. Then you can catch the negative thoughts and feelings to intercept the saboteur and stop it in its tracks.
3. If you want a more personalized analysis of the report, I invite you to meet with me for a Saboteur Diagnosis session at no cost. SCHEDULE HERE
4. Practice PQ reps and the Sage perspective, critical foundational practices from the Positive Intelligence mental fitness model.
5. Strengthen your Sage powers to more intentionally and thoughtfully use the strength side of your Restless.

How will you benefit from weakening the Restless saboteur?

When you use your Sage brain and the strength side of your Restless, you then experience your highest level of performance, much greater creativity, and sustained happiness. Don’t believe me? Check out the research led by my teacher Shirzad Chamine and his team at Positive Intelligence that was done with more than a half a million people in 50 countries that is the foundation of this model. Your Restless might role its eyes and say “I don’t have time for that,” but your Sage knows it is worth learning more about.

Check out past blog posts here to learn more about the other saboteurs in this Positive Intelligence model of mental fitness.

*Source: Shirzad Chamine and his Positive Intelligence mental fitness model. Erin completed her certification with Shirzad and Positive Intelligence, Inc. in the spring of 2021 and is now a Certified Positive Intelligence mental fitness coach (CPQC).

Feeling resentful and frustrated? Your Pleaser could be the cause

by Erin Owen | Mar 2, 2021 | Ezine

Exhausted. Frustrated. Annoyed. Resentful. These are words that hundreds of clients have used to describe how they feel. They are overcommitted and at their limits. But, how did they get this way? One reason might go far beyond the circumstances of the pandemic and working from home – it might be because underlying all that, they have a strong Pleaser saboteur.

This week I introduce you to one of the most common saboteurs I see in my clients and my friends. It’s one that I’ve observed to be more common among my rising women leader clients, but also present in many men. You’ll learn how to catch Pleaser in action, how to weaken it in yourself, and how much better life will be after you do so!

If you’re not yet familiar with the term “saboteur”, here’s a refresh. We all have innate and developed strengths. But when we overuse a strength, especially in times of stress or anxiety, the dark side of those strengths come out. (To learn more about the overall model this comes from, read more here.)

The first thing you need to know about the Pleaser saboteur is that it “indirectly tries to gain acceptance and affection by helping, pleasing, rescuing, or flattering others.” In addition, Pleaser often “loses sight of own needs and becomes resentful as a result.”* Sound familiar?

Dark Side Characteristics of the Pleaser Saboteur:*

• Strong need to be liked by people and attempts to earn their acceptance by helping, pleasing, rescuing, or flattering them.
• Needs frequent reassurance by others about their acceptance and affection.
• Can’t express one’s own needs openly and directly. Instead, does so indirectly by having people feel obligated to reciprocate care.

I know, I know. It can be painful to see some of these behaviors in writing – especially when it’s like looking in the mirror and seeing yourself. It’s part of human nature to want to be seen and heard and accepted. But when there are underlying negative emotions – like fear or worry or anxiety – driving that behavior, then beware: your mind is being controlled by a saboteur.

Let’s look more closely at how the negative saboteur side of Pleaser shows up, then after that I’ll share with you the amazing strength side that will shine more brightly once you learn how to defeat the dark side.

What does the Pleaser saboteur make you think about feelings and emotions?*

• Well, quite frankly, the Pleaser wants you to believe that expressing your own needs directly is selfish.
• Pleaser also makes you worried that if you insist on your own needs being met that you might drive others away.
• And also Pleaser makes you feel resentful for being taken for granted, and at the same time makes it difficult for you to express that you feel like you’re being taken for granted.

So complicated! But, can you see now how when Pleaser is in control you can come to look at others as not caring about you and your feelings?

When your Pleaser saboteur is controlling your mind, you may be thinking thoughts such as:*

• “To be a good person I should put the needs of others ahead of my own.”
• “It bothers me when people don’t notice or care about what I have done for them.”
• “They can be so selfish and ungrateful!”
• “I give away too much and don’t think of myself enough.”
• “I can make anyone like me.”
• “If I don’t rescue people, who will?”

By now you should have better awareness of how the Pleaser saboteur shows up in yourself and in others. If you’re wondering why you keep getting caught up in the drama of the Pleaser, then it might be helpful to know more about how the Pleaser justifies its usefulness. Be especially cautious about these justification lies because these will show up when you are trying to weaken the Pleaser.

Pleaser’s Justification Lies*

• “I don’t do this for myself. I do it for others.”
• “I help others selflessly and don’t expect anything in return.”
• “The world would be a better place if everyone did the same.”

Ultimately, the Pleaser can cause real damage to you and others around you. If you’re not yet convinced why you need to stop the Pleaser in its tracks, take a look here at how the Pleaser impacts you and others.

Impact on Self and Others*

• Can jeopardize taking care of one’s own needs including emotionally, physically, or financially.
• Can lead to resentment and burnout.
• Others can develop dependence rather than learn to take care of themselves, and feel obligated, guilty, or manipulated.

Here’s the good news: underneath the dark side of the Pleaser is the light side, the good side, the underlying strengths.

Strengths of the Pleaser

When you’re not in Saboteur or survival mode, your Sage brain is activated, giving you access to empathy, creativity, and the kind of resourcefulness that enables you to utilize your fabulous strengths. For those with a strong Pleaser saboteur, their underlying strengths include being:*

• Empathetic
• Loving and giving
• Tuned into others’ feelings and needs
• Emotionally self-aware
• Able to cultivate a high level of emotional intelligence

Definitely valuable strengths that make you exceptionally skilled with forming and maintaining relationships in personal life and in work.

Now that you have awareness about the Pleaser’s strength side, as well as how the Pleaser shows up, controls your mind, and tries to justify its existence, you are ready to learn how to weaken it.

How to Weaken the Dark Side of the Pleaser saboteur:

1. Learn how strong your own Pleaser saboteur is by taking the 5-minute saboteur assessment here
2. Read the detailed online assessment report to build awareness of the full picture of saboteurs that are strongest for you so you can catch the negative thoughts and feelings to intercept the saboteur and stop it in its tracks
3. If you want a more personalized analysis of the report, I invite you to meet with me for a Saboteur Diagnosis session at no cost. SCHEDULE HERE
4. Practice PQ reps and the Sage perspective, critical foundational practices from the Positive Intelligence mental fitness model
5. Strengthen your Sage powers to more intentionally and thoughtfully use the strength side of your Pleaser

What’s the payoff for doing so?

When you use your Sage brain and the strength side of your Pleaser and other saboteurs, you experience your highest level of performance, much greater creativity, and sustained happiness. For Pleasers especially, you’ll experience much greater joy and connection in your relationships, and let go of all the stress and resentment. I want this for you – and for all of us. Imagine a world where we could each be free from the saboteur drama, and utilize our strengths on a regular basis?

If you’d like to learn more about the other saboteurs in this model, check out past blog posts here.

*Source: Shirzad Chamine and his Positive Intelligence mental fitness model. Erin completed her certification with Shirzad and Positive Intelligence, Inc. in the spring of 2021 and is now a Certified Positive Intelligence mental fitness coach (CPQC).