by Erin Owen | Feb 2, 2021 | Ezine
Have you noticed a trend? I have been introducing one of the mental saboteurs in the Positive Intelligence model in these weekly installments, by writing about each in the context of what I hope will be relevant and helpful for you. If you missed the previous weeks, you can catch up here.
January 5 I wrote about your Judge “Why you do not achieve your New Year resolutions”
January 19 I wrote about your Avoider “Why you avoid what you avoid”
January 26 I wrote about your Controller “Faults of the President – do you have them too?”
This week I’m introducing to you an old nemesis of mine: the Hyper-Achiever. If you’ve ever called yourself (or been called) Type A. If your drive for success sometimes leaves a wake of destruction in its path. Or if you’ve ever known someone who wants to win at all costs and will bulldoze anything or anyone in their path to do so. If you’ve ever thought to yourself “I don’t have time for emotions. I have work to do!” If you’ve ever been afraid to get too close to someone, worried they might realize you’re not as perfect as the image you portray. If so, then you’ll want to read on to learn more about the characteristics and lies of Hyper-Achiever so you can stop it in its tracks.
As I shared last week, a saboteur is the price you pay for the overuse and abuse of your greatest strengths. For myself and for most of my highly educated, high-achieving clients, those strengths are as follows:
- Being driven, goal-oriented, and self-directed
- Also pragmatic and adaptable
- Capable of growing self and others to achieve their full potential
- When inner-directed, can be great at inspiring self and others towards meaningful growth and achievement
Yes, these are fantastic strengths. But, it’s important to be aware that there is a dark side of your strengths – the saboteur side. When you use these strengths too often, in the wrong situations, with the wrong people, at the wrong time, those strengths come back to harm you and those around you.
The harmful side of any saboteur motivates you through negative emotions and most often accompany periods of stress and anxiety. In this case, the Hyper-Achiever saboteur is “dependent on constant performance and achievement for self-respect and self-validation.”* The Hyper-achiever is also so “highly focused on external success that it leads to unsustainable workaholic tendencies and loss of touch with deeper emotional and relationship needs.”*
How can you catch the negative side of the Hyper-Achiever when it takes hold of you? Read each of the descriptions below so that you will know when the Hyper-Achiever in you is taking over. Building awareness of its characteristics, thoughts and justification lies will give you the ammunition you need to stop it in its tracks.
Characteristics of the Hyper-Achiever Saboteur: What to Watch Out For
- Competitive, as well as image and status conscious
- Goal-oriented, with a workaholic streak
- Good at covering up insecurities and often falsely showing a positive image
- Like a shape shifter, it adapts its personality to fit what would be most impressive to another
- More into perfecting public image than introspection
- Can be self-promoting
- Can keep people at safe distance
Ouch! It can be painful to look at this list and realize you are partially (if not fully) looking at yourself in the mirror. But the good news is you are reading about this now, so you build that awareness and catch it before it does more damage to you and those around you.
Thoughts of the Hyper-Achiever: What to Listen For in Your Head
- “I must be best at what I do.”
- “If I can’t be outstanding, I won’t bother.”
- “Anything I do must be efficient and effective.”
- “Emotions just get in the way of getting the job done. Instead, focus on thinking and taking action.”
- “I can be anything I want to be.”
- “I am worthy as long as I am successful and others think well of me.”
Justification Lies of the Hyper-Achiever saboteur: What Out for These!
- “Life is about achieving and producing results. Anything else is not worthwhile.”
- “Portraying a good image helps me achieve results.”
- “Feelings are just a distraction and don’t help anything.”
As you read over the above thoughts and justification lies of this saboteur, did you think of anyone you’ve ever worked with or worked for? Maybe you cringed as you thought “oh, wow, that is me.” Here’s the reality of this: all of us have saboteurs. Whether or not the Hyper-Achiever is one of your strongest saboteurs is another question. Once you identify the nastiest of the saboteurs that betray you in the hidden world of your mind, then you can take the steps to weaken its influence on you and reclaim the positive strength side without the sabotage. To confirm just how strong your own Hyper-Achiever is, take the free assessment and meet with me to diagnose its impact on you.
Why is it important to weaken the negative effects of the Hyper-Achiever?
Look at the impact it has on you and others:
- Any peace and happiness you may experience from burning the midnight oil is fleeting and short-lived in brief celebrations of achievement.
- Self-acceptance is continuously conditioned on the next success, so you are never satisfied.
- You lose touch with deeper feelings, are disconnected from your deeper self, and struggle to connect deeply with others.
- Others on your team (and even members of your household) might be pulled into the performance vortex of the Hyper-Achiever and become similarly lopsided in their focus on external achievement.
When you have shifted out of saboteur mode and are operating from what is called the Sage brain, you are amazing! The energy and excitement you feel for reaching a goal becomes infectious, inviting others in to voluntarily partner with you to reach for greater achievements – rather than bulldozing them as you barrel through them on your way to the prize. When you are in Sage mode, you perform at your highest level, focusing more on quality than on false deadlines. You interact positively and productively with key people at work and at home, building and strengthening relationships that will support you for the long-run. You no longer fear trying something new, and experience great joy from innovating and experimenting, as you’re open to failing and learning over and over along the way. In addition, when the negative influence of the Hyper-Achiever is diminished, you even experience better quality health – physically, emotionally, and mentally – because you’re not feeling the same levels of stress and anxiety.
My own Hyper-Achiever has pushed me to limits that exceeded what my body could withstand: it put me in the hospital in high school, it gave me minor anxiety attacks in my consulting days, it causes me to get stress-induced illnesses year after year, all until I woke up to the damage it was doing. It has also prevented me from going deeper and developing more meaningful relationships. The lie my Hyper-Achiever told me was that I could not share all of who I was or reveal my weaknesses because then others would not want to me to keep working with them. So many lies!
I’m grateful my Hyper-Achiever is so much weaker now, and I want this for you too. Work is so much more meaningful when there can be creativity and play, experimentation and failure. Relationships are so much more rewarding when you both can share your best qualities and your faults – it makes you more relatable and human. And life is so much more enjoyable when you’re not stressed out all the time, worrying about how you can out-perform everyone and always be the best.
Don’t you want to know how strong the Hyper-Achiever saboteur is in you? Yes, you do! Wouldn’t it be life-changing to learn how you can take practical, tactical steps to weaken its influence on you? Yes, it is! So, why wait? I invite you to meet with me for a Saboteur Diagnosis session.
*Source: Shirzad Chamine and his Positive Intelligence mental fitness model. Erin completed her certification with Shirzad and Positive Intelligence, Inc. in the spring of 2021 and is now a Certified Positive Intelligence mental fitness coach (CPQC).
by Erin Owen | Jan 26, 2021 | Ezine
Here in the United States, the 46th President has just been sworn into office. Alongside him, a new Vice President – and this time the first-ever woman, first-ever person of color to hold that national office. As I have witnessed – and been a part of —heated debates the past four years about the performance of the 45th President, I have been looking at these historic events through the lens of the Positive Intelligence mental fitness model.
To be a leader in the Office of the President – to be a leader in any role where you have decision-making power over human resources, monetary resources, and the position to lift up or destroy the livelihoods and dreams of others – is a profound responsibility. It is critical that you know you are human – not a robot – and that means you have imperfections, just like anyone, that can influence your decisions.
A very common mental saboteur for leaders – including for someone in the Office of the President – is the Controller. To learn more about how you can evaluate the performance of any leader (including yourself AND the leader of a country) through this lens, I invite you to read on.
As I’ve learned from my teacher Shirzad Chamine, a saboteur is the price we pay for the overuse and abuse of our greatest strengths. And for many leaders in positions of authority, those strengths are as follows:
- Confidence.
- Being action-oriented, decisive, willful and persistent.
- Challenging oneself and challenging others.
- Being able to do the right thing, even when the course of action is unpopular.
- Seeing possibilities that others may not see.
- Activating oneself and others to take action in support of a desired outcome.
As you read the list above, bring to mind a leader you admire: in what ways do they exhibit these strengths?
Next, bring to mind a leader you do not admire: even if you do not agree with or like them, can you still recall situations in which they have exhibited one or more of these strengths?
Now, look at yourself: which of these strengths do you possess and in what types of situations do you utilize these strengths?
When used strategically, selectively, and from a place of wisdom, your strengths are powerful, positive and can have incredible impact. You can think of this list of strengths as the light side of you –that convert you into a power for good.
However – and this is where I come back to the importance of knowing that you as a leader also have imperfections – it’s important to understand that there is a dark side of your strengths – the saboteur side. When you use your strengths too often, in the wrong situations, with the wrong people, at the wrong time, those strengths come back to harm you and those around you.
The harmful side of any saboteur motivates you through negative emotions and most often accompany periods of stress and anxiety. In this case, the Controller saboteur has an “anxiety-based need to take charge and control situations and people’s actions to one’s own will.”* And when that is not possible, the Controller exhibits an extremely high level of anxiety, and can even be angry and intimidating when others don’t go along. The Controller gets impatient with others’ feelings and different styles, and often feels hurt and rejected (though will rarely admit it).
How can you catch the negative side of the Controller when it takes hold of you? How can you spot the same in a leader you know personally or in the public eye? Read each of these descriptions below and ask yourself: when have I seen this characteristic at play? And then ask: what might be the underlying lie that is at the heart of the sabotage? And, how might this saboteur behavior negatively impact you and others around you?
Characteristics of the Controller Saboteur: What to Watch Out For
- Has very strong energy and an equally strong need to control and take charge of situations.
- Connects with others through competition, challenge, physicality, or conflict rather than softer emotions.
- Its nature is willful and confrontational
- Its most common style of communication is a straight talker; and its in-your-face communication is often interpreted by others as anger or criticism.
- Likes to push people beyond their comfort zone.
- Comes alive when doing the impossible and beating the odds.
- Often stimulated by conflict, and even connects with others through conflict.
- Surprised when others’ feelings get hurt.
- Intimidates others, both intentionally and unintentionally.
If you see aspects of your own behavior in these characteristics, I welcome you to the club. Every single human being has saboteurs – your parents, your siblings, your friends, your colleagues, your neighbors, your employees, your vendors – everyone. Even the President of the United States. E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E. And, as mentioned above, the Controller saboteur is very common among leaders in formal positions of authority.
As the weeks and months of the new year unfold, keep a watchful eye on yourself, the President, and other leaders you know: when do you see the positive strength side of the Controller in play? And when do you see signs of the negative characteristics wreaking havoc on relationships, performance, and health?
If you’d like to determine how strong the Controller saboteur is in you, I invite you to meet with me for a Saboteur Diagnosis session. LEARN MORE HERE
*Source: Shirzad Chamine and his Positive Intelligence mental fitness model. Erin completed her certification with Shirzad and Positive Intelligence, Inc. in the spring of 2021 and is now a Certified Positive Intelligence mental fitness coach (CPQC).
by Erin Owen | Jan 5, 2021 | Ezine
For years, I set it as my new year resolution. I wrote versions of it on a piece of paper and burned it at full moon ceremonies in Bali. I wrote it down as a gift to myself and put it under a sacred statue at the annual gathering of dear friends. I set it as an intention at the beginning of many, many yoga classes and meditation sessions. And yet, it did not come to be. Until mid-way through 2020.
What was it? And what was getting in the way of me achieving it all these years? Read on to learn more about what may be getting in the way of you yourself achieving your new year resolutions and goals.
To stop judging.
I wrote it as “Let go of judging myself and others” I flipped it and wrote the positive version of it as “Accept myself and others for who we are”
After thousands of hours of yoga, meditation, self-reflection, and therapy, I was fully aware of the subconscious voices in my head that did not serve me, nor support healthy relationships. And yet, I still heard them (even if I did not believe them). I wanted to quiet them, so that I simply stopped initiating the judgment of myself and others.
And yet, I was still aware of me judging myself and me judging others. It was so frustrating!
Then, in the spring of 2020, when my coach friend and colleague Lucy invited me to take a mental fitness course with her and two other colleagues, I signed up. Little did I know that I would learn the root of my suffering but also the means to weaken and quiet those voices in my head that are constantly critiquing and not satisfied.
Maybe you hear similarly brutal and critical voices in your head too? They are the origin of so much unnecessary personal pain and suffering. And, their non-stop badgering can stop you in your tracks and prevent you from even starting a new project or the steps needed to achieve a new goal or resolution.
Examples of the voice Judging SELF:
“You can’t write! No one’s going to read that, so just give up now. Why bother?”
“Look at all those wrinkles! How old are you? Shouldn’t you look younger at your age? Oh, just go back to bed.”
“You’re not qualified, so why even apply? You’re just wasting your time and setting yourself up for failure.”
“I am such a fraud. How can I even pretend to know what I’m talking about? How did I even get accepted to that school in the first place?”
“Why did you say that? You are so stupid! Just keep your mouth shut next time!”
Painful to read these words, don’t you agree? Would you ever say these things to a dear friend? No! So why do we tolerate berating ourselves in these ways?
Examples of the voice Judging OTHERS:
“Why is she wearing that? That color makes her look ill. She should wear blue or green instead.”
“Who is he to be leading this workshop? I’m more qualified than him. He probably has a relative who runs this place.”
“How on earth can she believe that?!?! I thought she was more educated. I should be careful not to spent too much time around her.”
“He probably thinks I am not worth his time, since he has run a business for so much longer than I have. He will never read this.”
Brutal! Can you believe I would ever judge others in this way? Can I believe you would ever judge others in this way? And yet it’s incredibly common!
Examples of the voice Judging CIRCUMSTANCES:
“If I had stayed in corporate, I would have so much more money in my retirement account by now. Did I make the right choice?”
“When I finally find a house near the park, everything will be perfect.”“If they had not messed that up and missed the deadline, everything would have gone right and we would have closed that deal.”
“Once I’m making $10,000 more each month, everything will be easier.”
Constant insistence that the current circumstance (no matter what it is) is bad – or not good enough – is the m.o. of the internal judge. Not allowing that “how things are now” can ever be acceptable puts us in a constant state of dissatisfaction and irritation. It’s exhausting!
Not being satisfied with the current circumstances is a norm for my clients.
And thus, not being happy goes along with the judgements and the dissatisfaction.
If you’re not sure what your inner critic voice is saying to you, that might be even more dangerous. Subconsciously, your inner Judge is constantly criticizing you, others, and your circumstances. Those judgments are not always negative, but they are constantly guiding you and influencing the choices you make, the things you avoid, who you spend time with, and how you encourage or defeat yourself.
Step one for weakening the negative effects of your internal judge is building awareness of this voice.
Write down what it says, without editing. Notice the situations where it is loudest or occurs most frequently in your head. See the raw, cutting words of your judge on paper (or on your Notes app). Cross out or delete the fiction. Circle or only keep the words that are truth — the facts. And if you’re not sure what the facts are, ask a neutral observer for their input. This is an exercise I’ve done with coaching clients who struggle to discern what is truth.
The biggest challenge for me – and likely for you – is that the impetus to judge is automatic, with the brain and body following existing neural pathways. I was fully aware of how to shift brain activity, having guided myself and clients to do so over many, many years. But, I used it for the purpose of present-mind reflection and awareness to generate insights and data that can inform decisions and future actions. I did not know how to do it in the moment – or how to pre-empt habitual, negative thought patterns.
When we are influenced by our inner judge, we feel a lot of guilt and shame. “I should have done this, or achieved that.” “I’m not worthy, I’m not good enough, I’m so dumb, I’m such an idiot.” Maybe you experience other emotionslike disappointment and sadness and anger and regret and anxiety. Maybe you’re not sure what the specific emotion or feeling is, but you just know you feel bad. Or, you don’t feel good. And that’s enough to begin to catch your judge in action.
Step two for stopping the internal judge in its tracks is catching yourself experience a negative feeling that precedes the judgmental thoughts.
When this happens, all you need to do is notice it and say to yourself “caught you in the act” or “got you” or “stop”. Continuing to practice this regularly, daily, numerous times a day will begin to disrupt the previous way neurons fired along established neural pathways in your brain and body.
Cumulatively, you have been beaten down by hundreds or thousands of negative judging thoughts each day over months and years and decades of your life. You might still be standing tall, but inside you can feel like a tiny ball of shame or unworthiness. It painfully degrades your confidence and self-worth.
I’ve coached highly successful clients for so many years now that I’m not at all surprised when they say they don’t feel confident, or they don’t feel good about themselves. No amount of pay raises, new job titles, prestigious schools or companies, can satisfy the giant black hole created by the judgments you hear inside you own head. Someone else, looking in at your life, might be impressed with your achievements and expect you to be a 100% happy, satisfied, successful human being. But, they don’t know your inner turmoil. Unless…
When you’re constantly criticizing yourself, whether it’s conscious or not, that critical mode of being becomes your playbook – and thus you may also be regularly criticizing others. It’s only when you begin to discern fact from fiction and quiet the negative voices in your head, that you can begin to see the good in others and stop judging them. It begins with yourself.
One way to know how much someone else is being damaged inside by their own brutal judge, is the degree to which they are criticizing others. Their outward behavior can be a mirror for their internal experience. The pain their experiencing inside then gets inflicted (intentionally or not) upon others.
Step three for weakening the negative effects of your internal judge is to practice replacing the judgments with positive, productive thoughts and actions.
One of the biggest gifts from my decision to take the mental fitness course was learning the following: any situation or circumstance, no matter how challenging I perceive it to be, can be turned into a gift and opportunity.
An example for how to disrupt judging yourself:
I catch myself starting to think “You can’t write! No one’s going to read that…”
I pause, take a breath, and ask myself “Okay, seriously. What are the facts here?”
This helps me to disrupt the past negative thought pattern and give some space to consider an alternate path forward.
In that space, if I notice other negative thoughts emerge, I go right to this question:
“How can I turn this situation into a gift and opportunity?”
Many new ideas emerge, such as:
“Well, the more I write, the better I get. So I can use this as an opportunity to improve my writing skills.”
Or…
“I really admire the writing skills of Jay and Chris. Let me ask one of them to review my second draft and provide me with some constructive feedback that I can learn from.”
Another example, this one for how to disrupt judging another person:
I catch myself starting to think “Who is he to be leading this workshop…”
I pause, take a breath, and ask myself “Okay, seriously. What are the facts here?”
This helps me to disrupt the past negative thought pattern and give some space to consider an alternate path forward.
In that space, if I notice other negative thoughts emerge, I go right to this question:
“How can I turn this situation into a gift and opportunity?”
Many new ideas emerge, such as:
“I’m curious what I will learn from him.”
“How might what I learn from his style of presenting help me to improve as a presenter?”
A final example for how to disrupt judging circumstances:
I catch myself starting to think “If I had stayed in corporate…”
I pause, take a breath, and ask myself “Okay, seriously. What are the facts here?”
This helps me to disrupt the past negative thought pattern, remember all the positive reasons why I left my corporate consulting job, and gives some space to consider an alternate path forward.
In that space, if I notice other negative thoughts emerge, I go right to this question and reflect:“What are the gifts and opportunities that have come from my decision to leave corporate?”
Many new ideas emerge, such as:
“Healing my body enough to stop taking prescription medication!”
“Becoming healthy enough to conceive children!”
“Finding my true calling for work in the world!”
“Realizing how much I was relying on bonuses and new roles to boost my self-worth.”
And on and on…
Back to our shared desire to successfully achieve goals and experience the benefits of New Year resolutions.
One of the biggest and most detrimental judgements my inner voice screams at me is: “It hasn’t worked in the past, so why should it now?”
Those are the words I have heard over and over again when I set a new goal in my business.
But what has changed is now I catch them and stop them in their tracks.
I look instead to my track record of success and impact. I focus on my strengths and resources and best practices.
I recognize where I can benefit from peer support or external expertise or other resources to support my success.
And one by one, I take the steps needed to be successful.
When something does not work, I no longer judge myself for “you should have known that wouldn’t work!”
Instead, I step back and reflect: “What can I learn from what did not work?”
The gifts that you will experience from quieting the voice of your inner judge and dropping the judgements:
- Lowering your stress level
- Increasing your happiness
- Improving the quality of interactions in your most important relationships
- Successfully taking the first step – and then subsequent steps – in the direction of your goal or New Year resolution!
- Building confidence and momentum to create the changes you want in your life
To be successful this time in achieving your New Year’s Resolution, do this critical foundational work of weakening your inner judge. And if you get stuck along the way, as you work through these steps, please know you don’t have to go it alone. The deep neural patterns that support your inner judge take consistent, daily effort to disrupt and re-pattern. The steps I’ve laid out here are just the beginning. I invite you to learn more about partnering with me as your coach to weaken your inner critic and be more successful and happy in your life. Start here.
